The bottom fell off

 

Written by NihilCredo posted: on the Something Awful forums. Based on the classic Clark and Dawe sketch. Discussing the loss of the Russian cruiser Moskva:

[Dimtry Peskov:] It's a great pleasure, thank you.

[Interviewer:] This warship that was involved in the incident off Odessa this week...

[Dimtry Peskov:] Yeah, the one the bottom fell off?

[Interviewer:] Yeah

[Dimtry Peskov:] That's not very typical, I'd like to make that point.

[Interviewer:] Well, how is it untypical?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, there are a lot of these warships going around the world all the time, and very seldom does anything like this happen ... I just don't want people thinking that cruisers aren't safe.

[Interviewer:] Was this cruiser safe?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well I was thinking more about the other ones...

[Interviewer:] The ones that are safe...

[Dimtry Peskov:] Yeah... the ones the bottom doesn't fall off.

[Interviewer:] Well, if this wasn't safe, why did it have 8,000 tonnes of missiles on it?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, I'm not saying it wasn't safe, it's just perhaps not quite as safe as some of the other ones.

[Interviewer:] Why?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, some of them are built so the bottom doesn't fall off at all.

[Interviewer:] Wasn't this built so the bottom wouldn't fall off?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, obviously not.

[Interviewer:] How do you know?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, ‘cause the bottom fell off, and 8,000 tons of missiles exploded, caught fire. It's a bit of a give-away. I would just like to make the point that that is not normal.

[Interviewer:] Well, what sort of standards are these missile cruisers built to?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Oh, very rigorous ... maritime engineering standards.

[Interviewer:] What sort of things?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well the bottom's not supposed to fall off, for a start.

[Interviewer:] And what other things?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, there are ... regulations governing the materials they can be made of

[Interviewer:] What materials?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, cardboard's out

[Interviewer:] And?

[Dimtry Peskov:] ... No cardboard derivatives...

[Interviewer:] Like paper?

[Dimtry Peskov:]. ... No paper, no string, no cellotape. ...

[Interviewer:] Rubber?

[Dimtry Peskov:] No, rubber's out .. Um, They've got to have a steering wheel. There's a minimum crew requirement

[Interviewer:] What's the minimum crew?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Oh... one, I suppose.

[Interviewer:] So, the allegations that they are just designed to carry as many missiles as possible and to hell with the consequences, I mean that's ludicrous...

[Dimtry Peskov:] Ludicrous, absolutely ludicrous. These are very, very strong vessels

[Interviewer:] So what happened in this case?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, the bottom fell off in this case by all means, but that's very unusual.

[Interviewer:] But Mr. Peskov, why did the bottom bit fall off?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, an anti-ship missile hit it.

[Interviewer:] An anti-ship missile hit it?

[Dimtry Peskov:] An anti-ship missile hit the warship.

[Interviewer:] Is that unusual?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Oh, yeah... At war? Chance in a million.

[Interviewer:] So what do you do to protect the crewmen in cases like this?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Well, the cruiser was flooded to put out the fire

[Interviewer:] Flooded and sank...

[Dimtry Peskov:] No, no, no. it's been flooded, it did not sink

[Interviewer:] Yeah, but it went underwater

[Dimtry Peskov:] No, it's filled with water, it's not underwater. It's not in the sea.

[Interviewer:] Well, what's in the seas?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Nothing's in the sea...

[Interviewer:] Well there must be something in the sea.

[Dimtry Peskov:] There is nothing out there... all there is - is water... and birds... and fish

[Interviewer:] And?

[Dimtry Peskov:] And 500 dead crewmen

[Interviewer:] And what else?

[Dimtry Peskov:] And 8,000 blown up missiles

[Interviewer:] And anything else?

[Dimtry Peskov:] And the part of the warship that the bottom fell off, but there's nothing else out there.

[Interviewer:] Dimtry Peskov, thanks for joining us.

[Dimtry Peskov:] It's a complete void

[Interviewer:] Yeah, we're out time

[Dimtry Peskov:] The war's perfectly safe. .... We're out of time?.. Can you book me a cab?

[Interviewer:] But didn't you come in a FSB car?

[Dimtry Peskov:] Yes, I did, but-

[Interviewer:] What happened?

[Dimtry Peskov:] The bottom fell off